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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It frustrates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.